With all that being said, fights are very healthy and very normal. We get frustrated with each other, we sleep in other rooms, etc., but no one is perfect and no relationship is perfect. When couples fight, they are learning more about each other and about themselves. It is vital to fight, as long as each participate isn’t inappropriate with their words or actions.

Plus, making up is always the best part, and wouldn’t happen without a little fight

By not talking, we are trying to make a point. Or, we are so pissed we truly have nothing to say (have you ever been there before? It’s not a pleasant place). Then all of a sudden it almost becomes a competition. Who will talk first? Who will fail miserably and break the silence? And honestly, by being the first to talk does not mean you fail or lose the competition, but when we are caught up in this type of situation, our ego speaks much louder than our hearts.

I once was in a fight with my last boyfriend and it started when we just got in the car on our way to his parents house. It was an hour drive, and boy let me tell you, it was one of the longest car rides of my life. He always would stop talking and not tell me what he was feeling or thinking. It often drove me crazy. This time however, I was so mad that I played his game. I didn’t talk either. And we drove the entire way there without saying 1 word.

As we pulled up to his parents, I was getting out of the car ready to go inside and have it be extremely awkward, but I didn’t care, I wasn’t going to lose this battle! As I was getting out of the car, he spoke up, apologized, and made everything ok. In that case, I think we both needed space, and I showed him how annoying it can be when he didn’t talk to me. (I win )

I am a believer that giving someone space after a fight is extremely important (as hard as it may be). You can’t always discuss and solve a problem within minutes of it happening. We are humans and we have emotions (some more than others).

Voices in our head say: “I need to think about what you just said to me. I need to understand how I feel about what was said or what just happened. I need to be with my thoughts and not have you interfere with them.”  If you push and push for the other person to open up and say what they are thinking, you might make things worse or push them too far; it just depends on the person. But like I said, I’m a strong believer of giving someone space, and God knows I need my space too. If you don’t take the time to understand how you feel about something, it will eventually come up later; and again and again, until it is understood and dealt with.

On the flip side….you’ll have to wait till tomorrow’s blog I know you can wait, it’s going to be worth it!

Sad to admit it, but I’m watching the Tool Academy. So my thoughts are running through my mind so I thought I would blog about them.

Let’s get right to it. One girl on the show said if her boyfriend doesn’t learn how to treat her right through The Tool Academy, then she’ll finally be able to have the strength to break up with him. WHAT?! Ok ok, trust me when I say, that I know how hard it is to break up with someone you care about, but if they treat you like shit, it’s worth it in the long run.

This show makes me wonder, do women really think that taking their boyfriend to this “academy” will actually make their relationship better and make them stay together for the rest of their lives? I can only speak from my experience, but I dated one too many tools, and they were that way because

1.They had no respect for me, and they were never going to because they were into themselves too much

2.They didn’t really want to be with me, but they didn’t want to be alone

3.Rebound

4.They were young and immature

5.They were straight up an asshole and probably always will be for the rest of their lives

For the guys that fall under number 4 from above, I wonder if a “tool academy” would actually help them. Don’t they know how obnoxious they are? And if they wanted to change, they probably would, right? So I’m not entirely sold.

However, if it does work, I don’t think someone should go through it having a girlfriend. I say this because I don’t think that any of these guys on this show actually love their girlfriend, because when it is true love, you want to be a better person for them. Maybe that’s true in a magical world that I live in, but I honestly believe that.

The things that these guys say about their girlfriends?!??! How could a woman put up with that crap? It makes me sad that women fall in love and become weak and lose themselves all while getting treated like shit. If I were to compare being in a bad relationship with a guy who spoke to me the way these guys do on this dumb show, to being single….single wins a thousand times over. It’s such a happier place to be in life than having someone to spend time with but constantly living in sadness and frustration. No one, no matter what, deservers to be spoken to like that.

If you have a story where you were dating a tool and he changed and now your relationship is great, I would LOVE to hear about it so please leave comments. Also, what are your thoughts about this, it’s an interesting and fun topic, leave your thoughts! There is SO much to say about this show and so many relationship issues that there will probably be other posts based off of it.

PS – One thing The Tool Academy does wrong: send a guy home each week. Keep them there for a while; they need all the help they can get!

With all of my friends in some kind of relationship, I find that I am often the mad, single woman making fun of myself, slandering others to make myself feel better, making threats that if someone else gets engaged I’m going to jump in front of a bus; you know, the normal stuff . But let’s be honest, does that make me feel better? Of course not, it makes me feel worst and people don’t want to be around my negative energy. So here are a few pieces of advice to avoid becoming the depressing single friend and turn into the happy, positive, gorgeous single friend. (because when you’re positive, you’re pretty )

1. It’s not all about you. When you’re single, you feel like the entire world is mocking you. You feel like there is a constant spotlight following you around with an emcee letting everyone know the single girl just arrived, and it is often embarrassing. I’d like to set the record straight right here and now: there is no spotlight following you around, it is all in your head, it is not always about you. Try to think of a time you went somewhere in public and noticed someone who was single and you felt bad for them. First of all, it’s so hard to tell if anyone is single, we’ve become such an independent society that they might just be enjoying coffee by themselves, or their boyfriend might be on his way to meet up with her (or him). You probably can’t remember a time you thought that, because you probably have never thought that way before. We create this made up world of how people view us, what they are thinking about us, what they go home and say about us. Oh if we got that kind of attention from a random stranger, I might either be scared for my safety, or feel really, really sad for them. Truly, we are all in our own worlds, and we don’t really notice anyone else (unless he’s tall, dark and handsome). SO, knowing that, know that it isn’t always about you, and that you are making a lot up in your own head. (Which is holding you back from letting others see your true self.)

2. Focus on the NOW. If you haven’t read The Power of Now, stop reading my blog and go get it immediately. If you have read it, then you know exactly what I’m talking about. If we live in the Now, these thoughts of doubt, embarrassment, self consciousness; oozes away and we suddenly focus our attention on the smells, sounds, feelings, etc. It is a beautiful thing to live in the now, and so much more peaceful than worrying about image, the future, what you said you wished you didn’t, and so on. By living in the Now you can silence the ego, and not feel so bad that you are single or alone, because you just won’t care anymore.

3. If it was you, what would you want? If you were the one in the relationship, would you want your best friend to be excited for you and celebrate with you, or would you want them sad, depressed and making snide remarks that really hurt your feelings? I’m going to take a wild guess and say the first option? When you feel so alone, it can truly be hard to smile and be happy for a friend when they’re talking about their relationship. But buck up, be a good friend, and cry and bitch about it when you are by yourself behind closed doors. Know that no one is trying to make you feel like less of a person because they’re happy in their relationship and you’re sad in your loneliness. They love you, and want to share something close to them with you. Be thankful that they trust you with their excitement and be happy. Be truly happy for them.

I have to be honest; I’m still working on all of the above, especially lately. I probably couldn’t relate to Miranda Season 2 as much as I can right now. However, I know it is worth me doing the above suggestions so I don’t lose my friends, or worst, lose me.

It started to make me think, and I feel that we are in a totally different time where it is on the girl to ask the guy out. Throw all traditions out the door; we are making the rules up as we go. And since that is the case, then yes, I probably should ask these guys out.

I always ask myself, “What is the worst that could happen? He says no, I can handle that”. It’s not like it would be the end of my life, there’s plenty of fish in the sea, right?

Only one time I asked a guy out. I was at a benefit for an environmental organization and one of the guys’ who was doing the catering was pretty good looking (in fact, he looked like Jude Law :) ) Towards to end of the event, and a cocktail or two, I walked right up to him and said,

“Hi. What are you doing later?”

“Umm, I don’t know yet. What are you doing?”

“Going to the bar across the street.”

“Is that an invitation?”

“Yes.”

And that was that. He showed up, by himself, danced with me and my friends, and told me he had never been asked out by a girl before. That was intriguing; he really had never been asked out by a girl before?! Does it not happen that much? Was I totally crazy for doing it in the first place?

As fun as our time together was, it only lasted a week and a half. I stopped seeing him after he introduced me as Rachel…twice.

So, I’d love comments on this one. Who should be asking who out? Does it matter? Are we making up our own rules? Is it the ladies time to do the asking since the guys have been for so many decades? Or has nothing really changed, and we should stick with tradition?

Now, for a hot second I tried to figure out why she was asking me this. Was she bored trying to make conversation? Did she need to set a friend up with someone? Or did the suit look so good on me that she was asking me out?

I answered, with a smile, “No.” She then said, “Well, you have a boyfriend, right?” asking as if it would be THE END OF THE WORLD if I didn’t.

I again smiled, and answered, “Nope.”

She couldn’t believe it. She immediately asked me why and I kindly told her that I was too young for a marriage and just didn’t have a boyfriend at the moment.

She seemed innocent, so I didn’t take any kind of offense. However, catch me when I’m throwing a giant pity party and I might have reacted differently.

I still don’t understand why being single seems so strange and foreign. There MUST be something wrong with you, did you just get out of a relationship, did you just move here, are you too busy, what can it possibly be?!

I also feel like the universe can be completely opposite of you. It’s kind of like the saying, “you want what you can’t have.” When I had a boyfriend, I was always getting asked out, being single was the cool thing, I secretively wanted to be single (also a sign I was unhappy with the relationship) and almost all my friends were single.

Now that I am single, I never get asked out, single is like the plague, I secretively want to have an intimate relationship, and all my friends are taken.

Morale of the story, whether you’re single or in a relationships, does it really matter?! I’m still me. I’m still Crystal Vilkaitis who loves to dance, is addicted to vanilla lattes, obsessed with The Bachelor/Bachelorette, and rules at poker. Let’s get to know who people are, what they’re passionate about; what makes them laugh, etc., and care about those things; not their marital status.

Written 8/6/09

I told them no, of course, because they were having these feeling for a reason. But I did offer some advice. I told them to try to put themselves in their partner’s shoes. What does this situation look like through their eyes? Are they saying these things to be malicious, or were they in the middle of work and needed to hurry and get off the phone?

By trying to see the other person’s point of view, you can better understand the situation. We are so quick to judge and make accusations when we aren’t even seeing the entire picture. Once I told my friends to do this, they both realized they were over reacting a little bit, and were differently assuming things about their significant others. Since I told them that, they have tried to continue to look at both sides of the story, and so far it has helped them tremendously.

When asked what makes a successful marriage, a good friend of mine said, “You can’t worry about the small things, they aren’t worth fighting over.” I think this often goes hand in hand with trying to see the other side of a situation, and realizing it isn’t something to cause a fight about.

Now I’m not saying try to make up excuses for your partner by always looking at, and agreeing with, their side of things. I’m saying understand the full situation before you jump to conclusions and say anything that you might regret later.

I was at the wedding this weekend and took a look around the room and realized pretty much everyone was married, or in serious relationships. No one was there on a “date”. I do understand that you normally don’t have a casual date to a wedding since the pollution of love is so thick that one or both may feel some sort of pressure from the other. I also noticed….that no one was there stag!

Everyone kept asking me, “Who’s your date?” “Did you have a date?!” and the obvious answer was, no. I walked into the Ribbons and Rainbows Event Center (cheesiest name for an events venue if you ask me) with confidence, a smile on my face, and the highest and cutest heels I could find.

When you’re single, and you go to event like a wedding by yourself, it truly feels like everyone is looking at you. It’s like you’re the girl that has toilet paper on her shoe and everyone is whispering to each other, some are laughing, some have a look of such sadness for you, and some flat out point. Of course I highly doubt anyone even noticed I was there by myself, but from what I could see, I was the only person who attended stag.

I texted my best friend, who has been with her boyfriend for over 2 years, saying “can’t tell you how not awesome it is to show up at a wedding by yourself. I feel like everyone is looking.” She wrote back exactly what I needed to hear: “Rock it. Act like being single is the new married, the new black. Plus you might get some from another single that has a nice smile”. The last part I love, and unfortunately didn’t happen. But she was right; I needed to rock it the single way.

Why have we created a society where being single is viewed as the plague? Why is it so uncommon to be single? Again, like I stated in my previous post, it might be where I’m living, and maybe I should move to a bigger city where the single life is more acceptable and popular, but I don’t understand why this way of thinking was created.

We can be strong on our own. We can have fun on our own. I wish being single was viewed as the new married. I think if it was, we would have stronger, braver, and more confident people in the world who have figured out who they are and what they want, and then make discussions, instead of the other way around. I kind of have a feeling that might be the way we are moving with more and more people waiting till they get married (although I don’t know about that, so many people I went to high school with are married or engaged, and they’re in their early 20’s!)

I do understand the beauty of having someone else. Like the quote says, “A sunset isn’t as beautiful unless it is shared”. Having someone you truly love in your life to share the exciting moments, tragic moments, and boring moments is much better than going through it alone. I just wish being single didn’t have such a bad rap. So here is a little cheers to the singles: who rock it, who are comfortable on their own, and aren’t scared of being on their own, Okole Maluna!

(On a funny note, the bouquet was tossed right to me, all I had to do was lift up my arms. I didn’t even move my arms, just looked at the falling flowers and let the girl behind me catch it. The MC knew me and said to everyone, “Crystal, that would of been yours but you didn’t even lift up your arms!” It was hilarious, and I didn’t even realize I did that. My sub-conscious had taken over my actions.)

As you know if you have read my past 2 posts, I started this blog because I noticed I was the only single person out of all of my friends. With knowing that, of course none of my friends are dating, their all in serious relationships or are married. But it made me think about it, and I feel like dating is dead. So many are jumping into serious relationships, and aren’t taking their time getting to know people. On Facebook I see so many people I went to high school with who just got married, and they’re 24! I feel like that is really young, but maybe that’s just me.

I don’t know about you, but I love to date. The first couple of months with someone are always so exciting because you are learning things about them, and haven’t picked up on their annoying habits yet . Why don’t we take more time to date? Do we get attached so quickly in the beginning that our desire to get to know others and figure out what we want in a person go out the window? Or, does it depend on where you live? In Colorado, maybe people jump the gun sooner and get hitched then somewhere like New York, where dating, seems more appropriate. Since I think I might be the only person left dating (at least in CO), here is a list of why you should take your time, and date:

1. Get to know them. Getting to know people, and taking your time to do so, is ok. We’re always in such a rush with almost all aspects of our lives, but getting to know someone as quick as possible is like ordering a $1000 seafood meal from one of the most renowned chefs and inhaling it in 3 bites. I know some women feel their biological clock is ticking, but what would you rather have: a guy you know and love be with you for the rest of your life and potentially start a family, or have a baby with someone you later get to know, and realize you can’t stand them?
2. Figure out what you want. Depending on your age and stage of life you’re in, you might not even know what you want from your significant other. And if you don’t even know, how can you be fully happy with someone if you are figuring them out, all while figuring yourself out? I’ve been there before and it takes time away from that person you’re with, and you’ll find complete confusion within. Plus, as one of my good friends once said, “You need to get to know yourself so you can become your best self for someone else.”
3. Have Fun! Go on the fun first dates like bowling, drive-ins, picnics, hikes, etc. If you look at it as just dating, and not “this might be the person I’m going to marry” (which by the way, try not to think that on the first date, that’s a little much don’t you think?) then you’ll find a lot less pressure and you’ll feel more comfortable, which allows you to have more fun. This might not be the person you spend the rest of your life with, but it could become a really good friend who will always be there for you. Have fun, 1^st dates and dating in general don’t need to be awkward and uptight; it’s about getting to know each other and laughing.

So join me in the dating world, it’s not that bad I promise. And take your time; this is an important part of your life that should never be rushed.